Break my heart for what breaks yours...

I was just reading Francis Chan's blog on his website. His wife Lisa was describing their experience overseas. As she talked about the people they were meeting that have very little and yet shared so much. These people that were so happy to worship God in spite of cramp, smelly and horrible conditions I was literally brought to tears. She mentioned the lyrics of a Hillsong song..."Break my heart for what breaks yours. Everything I am for your kingdom's cause, As I walk from earth into eternity"

What a great prayer. I can so easily get caught up in my life and my problems that I am not seeing God around me in others. It is not about me...

You are alive but dead

"I know your deeds, that you have a name that you are alive, but you are dead." Revelation 3:1

I have been questioning everything lately. What is my motive? Why do I do certain things, why do I want certain things. What I have discovered is so discouraging to me. Just about everything that I do has a little bit of self serving in it. There is nothing that I see in me so far that is done simply because God is God and he worthy. I understand that by serving God and worshiping God I become blessed by the nature of God. but it seems that I want that benefit and that becomes my motive.

I have asked myself this question before.... If nothing was ever going to change in my life would I still desire God? Can I just throw myself at his feet in complete surrender wanting nothing else but God?

I am alive but dead can be looked at in 2 different ways. I am physically alive but spiritually dead. Or I am physically alive but dead to myself. Which way am I living now?

one word

During the praise and worship time at church this morning a word jumped out at me:

HOPE

What am I willing to give up?

A great friend of mine responded to my last post with this...
"The real answers demand actions. Those actions may have very high costs...to go where you want to go and where God wants you to go will cost you. Are you prepared?"

I have been thinking about this response a lot and the answer is....I am not sure. Isn't that pathetic? I feel like the guy talking real big about something he is going to do and when the time comes he chickens out. Maybe I am thinking too much about specific things...maybe I am thinking what if God wants me to give up my house? What if he wants me to leave my job?, etc. I think the issue for me right now is not specific things but the general attitude of my heart.

I was thinking earlier as I was walking my dog. What about Peter and the other disciples that just left their nets...dropped them on the ground and followed Jesus. They were so drawn to this man called Jesus that they made a huge life decision that surely caused them some ridicule. What would I have done? What would I do now? What if Jesus walked into my office tomorrow and in the mist of the busy day came up to me and said "follow me and I will make you fishers of men"? Would I drop my headset, walk away from my computer and dual monitors and follow him?

What am I doing?

I think I am finally at a place in my life where I am tired of the small, small box I have put God in for so long. I have this image of what my life is supposed to be and for so long I have tried to squeeze myself and God in this box.

I am starting to question everything I am doing, thinking, feeling, etc. Why am I feeling this way? Why am I responding like this? What is my motivation? what am I asking God to do for me right now instead of asking...what can I do for you? I want to take this tiny box and throw it as hard as I can and far as I can away from me. I want to lift my hands up in CONSTANT surrender to the God that I never will consume, I never will tire of him. God is the ocean and I can hardly handle a glass. God is far bigger than I ever will realize. Can I believe that with everything I have?

God is a God of hope

I was just reading through some old posts of mine from over a year ago. I was in a very low place at that time and very depressed. I read through my words and I can remember how I felt. In a few cases I remember feeling hopeless. I actually can remember feeling that way 5 months ago when I returned to Fetch Logistics. I felt like a failure...like someone who wasted 6 years learning an industry only return washed up on shore at the same place where I started.

However...the God of hope kept me strong when I literally did not want to continue. I kept doing the things I knew I was supposed to do and committed to being the best I could be where I was at for God's glory. I kept saying "one day at a time". I can now say that the feelings of depression and hopelessness are gone. I no longer feel like a washed up failure.

I was given a promotion at Fetch Logistics last Friday. I now have a position that I have wanted for the last 4 years. Fetch is starting a new branch within the Buffalo office and I will be the branch manager. There will be 2 people working for me starting July 1st. I will be in charge of every aspect of this branch and while it will be challenging I am very excited. I can look back and realize that the last 6 years in this business was not wasted. But most of all I can look back and say that God is a God of hope!

God.

Why do I want God? Why do I want to be near him? Why do I want to read his word? Why do I want to fellowship with other believers? Why do I want to help others? Why do I pray?

What is my agenda? What is my reason for going before God?

God, I will seek you because you will bless me. I will pray so that you will answer my prayer. I will help others because I look good. I will sacrifice because I think it will make me appear more holy, more devote. I will worship you because it is an emotional experience that makes me FEEL better.

If I knew that nothing else would ever change in my life would I still seek God? Can my only goal be God? I just want you God...nothing else. Just to gaze on you and lay my head on your chest. Just to be near you. Nothing else...just God.