What are my intentions?

I just had this thought pop in my head as I was whining to God about something. I think about the question Job asked his wife: "will we only accept good from God and not bad?". I firmly believe that God is in control of every event that occurs in my life and in this universe. I know a lot of people have trouble with that because that would mean that God allows bad things to happen to good people. Yes he does. Does that make him a bad God? Almost sounds funny to say that. God's ways are so much higher than our ways and his understanding is so much higher than our understanding. Just because I don't agree with what God is doing does not make it wrong or bad. Who am I? I am nothing without the amazing, wonderful saving grace of God. He calls me friend, his son!

So I come back to my question. What are my intentions when I say I want to love God, I want to follow God, I want to give God complete control of my life? Am I saying this with the hidden clause of "only if it means that God will bless me". Or can I totally and completely say that I give him everything regardless of what God allows to happen in my life? I don't think I am there yet...I want to be. But deep down inside I know there is a part of me that only wants good things from God and that is the part that keeps rearing it's ugly head.

So what do I do? I need real change in my life and total surrender, constant surrender. I cannot do it on my own. I think the amazing part is that God does not want us to do it on our own. As he puts us through the fire he is there all of the time. I have prayed for years that my pride would be broken. Well, I am going through the process of having that pride broken. Can I allow God to continue that work in my life regardless of what I expect out of it? Pastor Ron talked about surrender last Sunday. Raising your hands in surrender means you cannot hold onto anything and you are in a vulnerable position. I still have a long ways to go to fully understand that.